Questioning and Finding Answers
Helen loved her only son Rick. He lived home until he was in his late teens and then he decided to move downtown. She never knew where he lived because he never told her. Instead he would come home to visit often. This satisfied her somewhat. She didn’t press him, thinking that he would tell her when he was ready.
There were other things that deep down inside she knew but never confronted him with. She believed that he was gay and perhaps had a partner. Everything was going well until she suddenly stopped hearing from him. A month went by then two, three and then four.
After four months, she was really worried and decided it was time to let him know that his being gay was alright with her. She wanted him to know that he did not have to hide anything from her. Her worst fear was that he had aids, but she wanted to let him know that even that was ok, she loved him. Helen contacted every friend of Ricks that she knew of only to find out that no one had heard from him for several months as well.
Fearing that something was terribly wrong, she contacted the police only to have her very worst fears come true, Rick had died a month earlier. At first she had trouble accepting this as truth. She kept thinking “how could he be gone?” Accepting his loss, especially hearing about it in this way, was far too hard. She decided that in order for her to come to terms with his death, she needed some questions answered. She wanted to know how and where he had died.
“she needed some questions answered”
Helen started seeking answers from the police department and the coroner’s office. She found out that he had committed suicide, which lead to more questions. She spent the better part of two years looking for answers. Her friends got tired of it all and just wanted her to get on with life. “After all”, one person said to her, “You hadn’t heard from him for four months.” As if that should have made a difference. Actually it did, it make her grief so much more complicated since now she felt guilty as well. She called me and was wondering if she was doing the wrong thing by looking for answers. I told her not to worry and that by asking the questions she was doing her grief work. I told her that one day she would come to a place of acceptance, that once she had all the answers she needed, she would come to some kind of peace within herself.
Helen took two years to come to a place of acceptance and peace.
Tools
Asking questions and seeking answers is normal during bereavement.
It is a healthy way to help sort out what really happened and to find some kind of peace.
Each person is unique and the relationship they had with the deceased was unique as well. Therefore each person will work at their own pace and in their own time.
